Thursday, March 16, 2006

Church of the Open Bottle, St Patrick's Day Services


Since St. Patrick’s Day is the most important holiday of the year for worshippers at the Church of the Open Bottle we will be starting early, with a dawn prayer service at 11:00am. After this brief worship service, which will consist of drinking whiskey directly from the bottle and pinching anyone who’s not wearing green, a hearty breakfast will be served on the quarter deck. Anyone who is moved to pray…or drink more whiskey….will be welcome to do so. In an expression of interfaith harmony, followers of the cult of Ninkasi (the Sumerian Goddess of Beer) will be invited to attend all St. Paddy’s revels…er services, and beer will be provided for those of weak disposition who can’t drink whiskey before noon. And you know…since we’re all pirates there will probably be rum as well. The council of elders has discussed the matter that was broached at last years celebration, and it has been decided that we will not be putting green food coloring into the Hollandaise Sauce this year, because it caused it to resemble congealed snot and was supremely unappetizing. Those who require a yearly infusion of green dye will have to find it at the lower caliber of drinking establishments where they’ve been known to pollute their fermented beverages with it.

Unfortunately I’ve just realized that I don’t own a single piece of green clothing. I have some black clothing that is faded enough that it’s starting to appear green in certain light…it’ll have to do.

The first time Rat Girl was introduced to the idea of pinching for not wearing green she was in Kindergarten, and since she’s prone towards violent self expression anyway, the notion stuck like glue. Weeks after St. Patrick’s was passed she was still sneaking up behind me with her pincher’s on red alert, and sometime around October she started asking “When was that month that you got to pinch people for not wearing green?” There was a similar result at last years pirate party when I put her in charge of forcing those people who did not come dressed as pirates to walk the plank. If you didn’t look like you stepped out of that Johnny-Depp-Monstrosity-That-Shall-Not-Here-Be-Named, it was off to the plank with you laddy. It’s good to keep an enforcer around.

Oh shit! I just realized that I made an appointment to talk about an art commission with someone on Friday…fuckohfuckohfuck. That was supremely bad planning. Is it really unprofessional to reschedule and appointment because you plan on being drunk at the time? “Ah yes, I realize I was supposed to meet with you tomorrow afternoon, but you see I’ll be intoxicated, and it would be to our mutual benefit to reschedule. No, I’m sorry Saturday won’t do either, I’ll be dreadfully hungover all day.”

Ragnar….bad business woman.

1 comment:

Atla said...

Hey, I like that Johnny-Depp-Monstrosity, even if for no other reason that Johnny Depp. *dreamy sigh* I've loved him since elementary school and Crybaby. The man is ageless.