Friday, March 03, 2006

Anti-social tendencies

Why is it that I can’t get over my irritation with these damn tea bags? I mean, normal people don’t obsess over these details do they? I don’t actually know any normal people so I’m going on a hunch here, but probably they would either a). not notice it at all, or b). think, oh that’s stupid, and get on with their lives. Not me. I think “inspiring others towards happiness brings you happiness,” who do these Yogi’s think they are kidding anyway. What exactly is “inspiring others towards happiness” and why would it make me happy to inspire other people? Theoretically, unless someone walks up to you and says “gee you’re really inspiring,” then you wouldn’t even know that you were having any sort of effect on them at all. Right? Grr…

So then I think, “If I was in charge of picking the phrases that got printed on tea bag tags, I would pick things that were a lot cooler,” forgetting that that’s not really a job, and no one in their right mind would finger me to come up with aphorisms to put on tea bag tags. I had this same reaction when the store where I work added a scrap booking department. For weeks I did nothing but sit and my desk entering descriptions for paper, fancy little buttons shaped like diaper pins, and glittery frames with the words “Daddy’s girl” printed on them in faux little kid writing. This sort of thing makes pirates very queasy. In fact it makes them think up things like “anti-scrap booking” where instead of taking all those happy family moments like “Christmas 2003” and cropping out the left half of the picture that shows Uncle Jimmy passed out in the punch bowl, you leave it whole and put a caption on it like “Uncle Jimmy wrecks Christmas for everyone…again.” If it really takes off then some of the shiny happy family scrap booking companies will jump on the bandwagon and suddenly there will be fancy little metal embellishment tags that read “I thought you were my friend,” “too bad he turned out to be a psycho” and “you knew I was an alcoholic when you married me.”

Thinking back I realize I’ve had these anti-social tendencies for awhile. There was that time in college where I tried to start the “hell-mark” greeting card company. The formula was fairly simple, the outside of the card had a generic greeting card sentiment on it like “thinking of you,” and then they inside had something really nasty like “sitting alone in your apartment watching porno while I’m out having fun with my new boyfriend.” “Get better soon…because then they’ll let you out of the hospital and I can finish kicking your ass.” You get the idea. My mind is like a steel sieve though, and I got bored with the idea, so it never happened.

Anyway. The great thing about the internet is that I’ve discovered that I am not alone!

Here are some highlights from my collection of anti-social links.

Despair Inc. These geniuses have taken the inspirational posters that are so often seen hanging in banks, hotels, and worse yet offices and turned them to the dark side.

Cyranet Greeting Cards: Not as cool as mine, but you know, they try. (Sorry, that was my ego taking over, really these are pretty hilarious)

Meish: For those of you who hate Valentine’s Day as much as I.

Baby Wit: A baby clothes company that sells baby clothes I might conceivable dress my child in. (My favorite shirt: Mommy drinks because I cry)

Okay…that’s all I have time for today, but I encourage you all to post your own anti-social websites. As soon as I can figure out how to create a “links” section in my side bar I will make this a permanent feature.


~Lara said...

I have always been a fan of your anti-social tendancies.

Wasn't I there for a large amount of the Hell-Mark creation running tech in Drew 69?

Don't change. Stay evil.

Ragnar said...

Yup, back before I drank and I had two brain cells to rub together. Damn I used to be so witty.