Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Lack of inspiration=Bad pirate jokes

My brain is so frazzled right now that I can hardly put together a complete sentence, let a lone a coherent blog entry, so instead, a pirate joke.

A young captain is standing on the deck of his ship and the lookout calls “pirate ship on the starboard horizon!” Immediately the ship is in chaos, people are running around trying to decide what to do next, cannon balls are rolling around on deck: it’s bedlam. The captain is calm however and he calls out to the cabin boy, “bring me my red shirt.” In some confusion the cabin boy runs down to the captain's cabin and returns with the red shirt. The captain puts it on and takes charge of his disorderly crew and when the pirate ship attacks they are ready.

The fight is so easy that it’s almost anticlimactic, but the next day the look out calls again, “Captain, there are two pirate ships approaching off the port bow!” The crew is feeling rather cocky from the experience the previous day and are all slapping each other on the back and talking about how they’re going to “gut these scurvy pirate knaves with their own cutlasses.” The captain looks a little more concerned though, and he calls out to the cabin boy to bring him his red shirt. The cabin boy scampers off and returns shortly with the shirt in hand. After he puts it on he begins to order his crew, and when the pirate ships strike they are just barely ready. It is a bloody battle but eventually the pirates are defeated.

While they are drinking their daily rations of grog and mopping up the deck after the battle the first mate asks the captain “Why is it that when pirates are sited you call for you red shirt?” “That’s an old family secret, taught to me by my Grandfather Admiral Hodgepodge,” the Captain replies, “When I am wearing my red shirt it is impossible for the crew to tell if I’ve been injured, and the sight of their captain fighting in their midst rallies there spirits and makes them fight harder.”

The next day the look out calls out “Oh shit captain, I can see three pirates ships, one on the starboard, on off the port side and one heading straight for us!” The first mate looks up at the captain expectantly and asks “should I send the boy for your red shirt.” “No,” says the captain, “ask him to fetch me my brown pants.”

And since I have nothing to report as far as knitting, spinning, quilting or anything else, because my job sucks right now and when I get home all I want to do is drink, another pirate joke:

A pirate walks up to a bar and orders a rum. The bartender looks at him with some surprise because he has a huge steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his trousers. “Here’s your drink, and if you don’t mind my asking, what’s up with the steering wheel?” The pirate knocks back his drink in one swallow and looks down at the steering wheel, “Oh that?” says the pirate, “that’s drivin’ me nuts.”

Oh! But I just remembered that my seed order came yesterday. It was rather delayed because of the unfortunate lack of fundage in my checking account, but I finally did manage to scrape some pennies together and it was sitting on my dining (er…piling) table last night when I got home from drinking too many margaritas. So tonight, I will plant! I will plant in the seed tray that was supposed to contain basil, but which never sprouted. Then I will put it in the window next to the other seed tray, the one with all the tomato and rabe seedlings in it, and the new seeds will want to show the old seeds what they are made of, so they will (I’m sure) start growing immediately. Yay!


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