Thursday, July 05, 2007

From the secret "UFO" files:

This transcript was discovered in a plain manila envelope shoved under the door at Kevbot's house...it seems to be a secret government document concerning a rash of recent UFO (unfinished objects, since I know some of you bleaders are non-knitters) sightings, but I can't be sure. Some of the "exhibit" pictures look vaguely familiar however.
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Scary Government Agent Guy: What do you know about these UFO's Ragnar? We've been getting calls about "piles" of yarn around your house, and some of them are getting ugly.

Ragnar: The piles of yarn?

SGAG: Don't get cute with me pirate girl. What I want to know is why you can't finish what you start?
R: I finish things. Look at that picture marked exhibit 12A.

SGAG: What is that? Some sort of joke? What did those take you 15 minutes to knit?

R: I don't have to take your scary government agent crap, that's a finished pair of socks. A pair! Like two that are the same. I guess I could even count that as two finished objects if I wanted to.

SGAG: Oh, so that "pair" of socks that you've been knitting for your former co-worker, that's really one finished object and one ball of yarn? Considering that you don't even have the ends woven in on the one lonely finished sock, I don't think it counts for much. And what about those skully toe socks that don't fit in the toe and have needed reknitting for about two years? What would you call those?

R: Hey, if you want to talk about ancient history that's your problem. Both of those projects have been sitting quietly in the bottom of the basket without bothering anyone for a long time.

SGAG: Well then let's look at more recent history shall we? I'm counting three partially finished baby sweaters here Ragnar. Would you like to say something in your defense?

R: Hey! All of those sweaters are about 5 minutes away from being done. One of them only needs to be sewn up, one of them needs to have the arms shortened, and buttons sewn on, and the other one needs to be sewn up and have the buttons sewn on. Those sweaters are, like, done.

SGAG: They are "like" done, but the fact is that they're not done, are they?

R: Hey would you mind adjusting that light, it's shining right in my eyes.

SGAG: Just answer the question, are those sweaters done or aren't they

R: They're not done! Okay, are you happy? Do you want me to sign a confession or something?

SGAG: And what about the "free wool" sweater, and the "Celtic" sweater?

R: They're not done either! The free wool sweater has gauge problems, and the sleeve cables aren't matching up. And the Celtic sweater is a dye lot nightmare, and I just can't face them right now, okay? Gees. Maybe I'll finish them after the baby is born and it's not 90 freakin' degrees outside and there's a chance in hell that they'll fit me....why are you laughing?

SGAG: You just said "after the baby is born," as if you'll have all the time in the world. I just struck me as hilarious for a second there. But back to these UFO's isn't it true that you just started a pair of socks?

R: Hey, you have to talk to Manimal about that. He did all these crazy calculations and decided that he was being left out of the knitting loop and that with the amount of time I spent knitting, he should get some socks. He even started knitting a pair for himself, and I don't know if you know Manimal, but he HATES knitting, so the man is desperate for socks. I didn't have a choice.

SGAG: Are you trying to tell me that Manimal forced you to start a new pair of socks?

R: Yeah, basically. That was totally not my fault.

SGAG: Okay then, what is this?

R: That is a teddy bear.

SGAG: A teddy bear?

R: Yeah, a teddy bear? You got a problem with that?

SGAG: Well since it's obviously a UFO, yeah, I got a problem with that, little miss attitude. Plus I'm skeptical. That is one fucked up looking bear, and judging from the number of strings hanging off of it, there's a fair amount of finishing in that.

R: Yeah? So? I like sewing remember? I'm a quilter. I sew professionally.

SGAG: Which is why those baby sweaters are languishing away, unsewn and unfinished?

R: Is that all you've got? Because if so I'm leaving.

SGAG: As a matter of fact, I have some more exhibit photos here. Tell me what you think of A34 and 62C.


R: Those are both going to be frogged. That first one, that should never have been started. I was all on fire because I borrowed this Gansey book from Swift Black Betty, and had this homespun that I wanted to do something with. It's just not working out, it's going to turn back into yarn. And that second one, that's the little red riding hoody. I don't suppose I should have started that one either. If I had read the pattern I would have realized that there was no way it was going to look good on Rat Girl. I'm going to rip it out and knit something that will be more practical for her.

SGAG: So you admit that you have a problem with starting inappropriate projects.

R: Hey! You're putting words into my mouth. That is not what I said!

SGAG: What about this intarsia pillow? Is it true that you have 6 inches of I-cord trim left and that you've had that same 6 inches of trim left for about 3 weeks now?

R: Well, it's so close to being done that I didn't feel like I had to work on it.

SGAG: You didn't feel like you had to work on it...I think we're getting to the root of the problem. Let's see, according to my notes you have three pairs of unfinished socks, an unfinished "we call them pirates" hat, two as-yet-unfrogged ill-considered sweaters, three adult sized sweaters that you will work on "after the baby gets here," *snort* three infant sized sweaters that are "almost" done, one intarsia pillow that's "so close to being done that you don't feel like you have to work on it," one tangle of ends that you swear is a teddy bear, and oh...what's this on the bottom of my pile?"


R: Hey! Where did you get those photos?

SGAG: A loom! You have, by conservative estimate, 13 UFO's in progress and you decide to take up weaving? What kind of fiber fiend are you?"

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That's the end of the transcript but there are definitely some pages missing. I'm just trying to figure out what it all means. Are they on to me? Is the UFO brigade going to freeze my account at the yarn store? Do those baby socks I knit last week count for nothing? What's going to happen when they find out about the "little monster hoody" that I have stashed at Woven Art? Maybe I should get off my ass and do some finishing. (shudder).

Ragnar...you try working in a yarn store and see how long you last.

2 comments:

Victor said...

And I'll be waiting for that bloody molar hat now that I'm a doctor type... just to add to the list. Love the interregation! :) "you said after the baby was born... it struck me as funny for a second" LOL. I've got faith in you Ragnar!!

Nancy McRay said...

Would you knit a shop model for me? I need something out of Calmer...