Sunday, June 17, 2007

Open letter to those it may concern...

Dear Whoever you are,

I am not interested in hearing any more stories about your, your sister's, your mother's or some anonymous woman who you might have read about in the news's labor stories. Kay? I know that labor is hard, hence the word. If it was happy fun time they would have come up with a different way to describe it, right?

I don't care if anyone of your acquaintance was planning a nice gentle homebirth and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with lights ablazing because of one horrendous problem or another. I think it is safe to say that most women will at some point have a baby, and the fact is that most of them get through it just fine whether they are in the hospital, in a birth center, or in the back of a taxi stuck in rush hour traffic. So leave off the umbilical cord around the neck, fetal distress, c-section horror stories. Kay?

And while we are on the subject of things I'm pretty fuckin' sick or hearing about, I don't need to hear about anymore 12, 13, or 14 pound babies. I was over 9 pounds when I was born, my brother was over 10 and our mother made it through just fine. I don't know if you noticed but I'm practically 6 feet tall, with hips to match. So bugger you and your big baby trauma stories. These are birthin' hips, I've been living with them my whole life and it's time that they did something to earn their keep.

Oh, and when you find out that I am due in August, the appropriate response is "you can come over and use my swimming pool while I make you a nice glass of decaf Ice Tea." It is not "that will be hell," "have fun with that," or "you know it's miserably hot in August."

It has also been brought to my attention that 7 and a half months is a little late to be letting everyone know that I am breeding. I am in danger of a mass generalization, but the reason that I didn't tattoo "mother to be" on my forehead and take out a 3/4 page add in the alternative weekly, is because I didn't want to hear labor horror stories, tales of natural childbirth gone horribly wrong, and commentary about what a genius I am to schedule my third trimester for the three hottest months of the year. Do you think that was an unreasonable fear, 'cause so far my only regret is that it got too hot to wear sweatshirts and I could't keep it private for another two and a half months.

Ragnar...pregnant but still a pirate.

P.S. lest the blogosphere get the wrong idea this isn't directed at my immediate friends or fellow bloggers, you all have been great. It's the people who know me the least who feel the need to make sure I'm up to date on the perils of pregnancy...and I know it only gets worse and that I'm going to be dealing with helpful suggestions about the raising of my wee little pirate for the rest of my life, I just needed to get that off my chest before I had a pregnant/hormone fueled/incredible hulk style reaction the next time someone said something ignorant.


Mouse said...

I'm over here giggling only because I was due in August and heard all of the same crap.. and because I was ready to kill anyone who opened their mouth with advice or tried to touch my stomach.
(and if I had a pool you'd be more than welcome to use it)

Imbrium said...

Sure, but are they touching you yet? Not that I've experienced it myself (yet), but I hear the worst part is strangers thinking that because you're breeding, they're invited to put their grimy hands all over you. I suggest carrying a small dagger with you, just in case. ;) Pat my tummy, visit the ER.

Will Pillage For Yarn said...

I had a baby in August in Modesto CA where it gets to be 110 for days on end. And people would say, "Oh you're due in August? It's hot." and I was just... "Ya THINK? *stab*" so really I feel your pain. A glass of iced tea, some light snacks, a pool and maybe a foot rub is the ONLY appropriate response to "I am due in August."

Have they started touching you yet? That made me NUTS. How about no. How about, OMG WTF, touch me again and I will open up a can of hormonally charged whup ass on you until you cry.

Yep. That's about right.

Remember the Twinkie Defense, darlin.

Victor said...

Well now that I've moved to York for my residency (yay! done with school! dr. vic in the house!) my apartment complex has a real nice pool and I have central A/C in my apartment as well. SO, you are more than welcome to come over... oh wait that is a rather long drive, isn't it? Well if you DO come you can dip yourself in the cool water, I will make you iced tea and Nic will make her delicious chocolate covered strawberries. just a thought! :)

Congrats again, sweetie.

Nancy McRay said...

Having walked a mile (or three) in your shoes, I gotta say your "rant" is right on schedule. And appropriate. What is it that makes people think they have any right to any comment beyond "congrats" and "you look great!". My gift to you for the next 6 weeks is a promise not to take anything personally! But on a related topic - I think I have already suggested this - you need to self publish a book of baby designs for me hearties. The viking hat is the best, and you've got more in you. Design ideas I mean.

Mom Unplugged said...

Congratulations! How exciting!

I too gave birth in August in Albuquerque, NM, and I can tell you that you'll live.

The "oh you poor thing" attitude is very annoying (and as for the birth horror stories...ugh, don't listen). Honestly, you'd think that women would be more supportive of each other!

Don't worry, I have no birth horror stories to share and I've done it three times.

Thanks for stopping by from O'Kitten's. I hope you and your daughter (and wee son) enjoy the book! By the way, that was a great response to the "boy shoes" comment. I'll have to file that one away for future reference!

Sarah said...

Ha ha! I'll remember that the next time I talk to a pregnant woman. Have fun with the knitted diaper covers. They are kind of cute, but I really do suspect poop will get on them at least once....