Wednesday, October 18, 2017

My Food Network Pitch

30 Minute dinners are FABULOUS and all that but I feel like Rachel has those locked down tighter than the lid on the jar of those pickles that you made 4 years ago and are afraid to open but can’t bare to throw away yet.  And also, 30 minutes?  That’s a pretty unrealistic time for dinner preparation don’t you think? If I had 30 minutes to spend on dinner I would go to a restaurant and let them serve me.

So here’s my idea.  Work night dinners for busy professionals running between two jobs, families with kids in activities, etc.  

15 second dinners.

No really.  There is so much food that will technically keep you alive that can be prepared in next to no time at all.

BONUS for the network, this show is only 5 minutes long because, hello!, 15 seconds! If I had to fill a full timeslot I would have to do A LOT of talking to fill up that time, or make 100 dinners…and that’s like all the recipes I know for the ENTIRE run of the show, which I’m expecting to be at least 5 or 6 seasons.  This shit is going to be popular, just you wait and see.  So you'll be able to fit in like 23 minutes of commercials.  BIG BUCKS, amiright?

So here's my first episode, let me know what you think.

First recipe.  Stale tortilla chips and the off-brand hummus that was on sale that you took to work for the potluck lunch but no one would eat.  This one is also FREE really because you have both of these things in your house already.  Eat standing up at the counter using the chips as a spoon and you save extra time by having no dishes to wash.  A fun little twist on this is crushing the chips up and mixing them into the hummus so that you can eat them with a spoon while driving.  Throw the dirty dishes onto the passenger’s seat for when there is a full dishwasher’s load worth, or when you don’t have any dishes left in the cupboard you can do a “big clean up” and wash them all at the same time.

Second recipe.  Cheese and crackers.  Fancy ass restaurants put this on their menu as a “cheese board." If you have a board handy to eat off of then, sure, be fancy, but if you eat the crackers out of the box you minimize clean up (SAVING TIME HERE FOLKS). Some crackers even have whole wheat in them so, HEALTHY, and cheese is packed with protein and calcium and good shit like that to keep your bones from breaking when you inevitably get scurvy from lack of fresh fruits and veggies.

Third recipe.  Apples and peanut butter.  Get one of those apple cutters that cuts all the slices of apples at the same time, otherwise you will run out of preptime because cutting up an apple with a knife takes FOREVER as we all probably know.  The peanut butter can be eaten directly from the jar.  Pro-tip, when shopping for peanut butter look for jars with a large aperture to facilitate scooping with apple slices. Recipe variation.  Skip the apples and just eat the peanut butter directly out of the jar with a spoon. 

Fourth recipe. Grocery store chicken, eaten standing at the counter.  The trick here is remembering to buy one of those rotisserie chicken thingies as your are cruising passed the deli department.  Once it’s in your refrigerator you are ready to go with absolutely no preptime.  Just open up the chicken box and nosh away.  The legs even come with a handy built in grip for children who like to eat while running around the house.

Fifth recipe.  Deli sliced turkey wrapped around a cheese stick.  Talk about elegant AND convenient. If you made a bunch of them and lined them up on a tray you could pass this off as an appetizer at a fancy party. Just stick a toothpick in each one.  Don’t do that though, because that would take WAY longer than 15 seconds.

So what do you think?  Shoot a pilot? I could make some of those sped up facebook videos that show people prepping food.  If you sped these up each one would be like maybe 3 second long.  Before people even THOUGHT about stopping the video the video would be over.  You could defeat their short attention spans by being SHORTER than them. 

I am available to start production at anytime. 

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