I’m stating clearly, so that there can be absolutely no
doubt about my opinions as you read this, that I think parenting advice is
absolute bunk. “Parenting” books are a million, probably BILLION dollar
industry that exists solely to make money for authors and publishers at the
cost of your confidence and instinct. I’ve been the parent of a newborn three
times and hope never to return to that bleak hellscape. There’s a reason that sleep deprivation is
used to torture people. Every parent
that has ever parented since the beginning of time has thought “I must be doing
this WRONG! There’s NO WAY this could be the normal circumstance of raising a
child!” Spoiler alert. Parenting is a fucking hard job and there is
NO EXPERT that can tell you how to do it because no one has ever parented your
child before.
And now, bless us, there is the internet where any asshole
with a digital camera can wipe the frosting off their kid’s chin, prop them up
next to “baby’s first periodic table” and pretend for 30 seconds that they know
what the fuck they are doing. And
hooray! Maybe they have it all figured out, I can’t say for sure, but I do know
100% that they don’t have it figured out with YOUR kid, and YOUR life and YOUR
schedule of crucial but inevitably neglected tasks.
Pinterest is a breeding ground for helpful advice from well
meaning strangers. Pinterest will tell
you in NO uncertain terms that YOU are failing at life. There are literally thousands of to-do lists,
meal plans, check lists, work out challenges etc. for you to print off and post
on your refrigerator to be lost among the expired coupons, soccer practice
schedules, and lists of unpurchased school supplies. These “free printables” (excuse me but
WHAT? You are going to, FOR FREE, create
another piece of paper to clutter up my life and make me feel guilty about not
doing ENOUGH? THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!) are always full of words like “simple”
and “just” and “routine,” promising that if you “Just include these simple
steps in your daily routine,” that your life will be magically transformed
something from the centerfold of Martha Stewart’s special House Porn
edition.
I got news for you.
There is “just” nothing “simple” about a household “routine.” “Just do 10 push-ups before every shower!” Sorry but I fail to see how doing 10 push ups
once a week is going to do fuck-all for my core strength. “Just print out this simple meal schedule for
routine weeknight dinners!” Great, sounds good.
I’ll just go shopping for all of these things that I don’t normally buy
during the ten minute long gap in my schedule and then spend an extra half hour
making something that half my family won’t eat.
Simple! “Just follow these simple
steps to streamline your housekeeping routine.”
I would FUCKING LOVE to wipe down
my counters every morning after unloading my dishwasher and making my bed. That would be utterly fan-fucking-tastic,
except that the school is actually super uncool about dropping your kids off
unfed in their pajamas. I KNOW?! Judgemental fuckers, right?!
I do have one life hack that will totally simplify your
daily routine though. Stop believing in
the perfect routine where everything gets done and everyone is happy all the
time. It’s the modern fairytale, and it’s
basically as likely as opening your door and finding your fairy godmother
standing there with a pair of glass slippers for you. Good enough is GREAT. There is always going
to be SOMETHING that falls short. The
best that you can do is to define for yourself how bad it can get before it’s
REALLY falling apart. That’s going to be different for everyone! And the bloggers and the pinners have a
different breaking point than you do.
Maybe you really do fall apart if your bed doesn’t get made every
morning. That’s great! Make the bed! But
something else is going to slide a little bit while you’re doing it. AND THAT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND OKAY.
Good enough. It’s as
good as you get.
